12/15/25 - Audrey Hepburn
I. Job Bullshit
I'm... trying very hard to listen to the air. I'm letting the sensation of sound overtake my conscience. I'm choosing to give myself to vibrations of my physical environment. It gives me the psychological traction necessary to get away from myself. I mean every word. When I'm placed into a conversational mode with no friction to walk with, I just fall over myself. I need the ability to depersonalize. I know that it's never about me, but it's hard to get away from feeling like it is when I'm forced to experience the fallout everybody else's prerogatives and decisions, regardless of whether the concerning circumstances' outcomes were my fault or not.
I don't apologize to those who aren't deserving. No, I was right to feel as embittered as I did when I was working at ABC. I like my coworkers here; I like the environment of the fieldhouse. But that can change if I can feel a rank pull coming on the winds. I do not tolerate authority figures who abuse their power. Not even slightly. It's an immediate failure policy, no second chances on shit like that.
In the latter half of this year, my "program" has gotten a lot more selective, a tad stricter, as they say online. I find that I'm still very eager, and I love to love and conversate, but I have exhausted my emotional patience with anyone unwilling to treat me with the respect I know that I deserve. It's becoming an issue, in my eyes. I don't have the patience and forgiveness I used to pride myself on having. I'm finding that I am way more willing to get ugly with people if I feel like I'm not being taken seriously. I guess it's because I've taught myself to remember that anger is much more actionable and productive emotion to work in than sadness and anxiety. Part of my drive to press forward with my art and my brand as a creative is because I am tired of the limitations and incapabilities forced onto me by being working class. I'm not gonna bullshit you about it. And I don't have any shame in the naked truth of it, either.
II. Drama Bullshit
I can feel people of my age group getting weary and defeated. I'm choosing to get mad. "Mad" can achieve a lot of necessary things, while "depressed" usually tends to just sit around and mope.
Part of what has made me feel so incensed and restless are the sort of buried feelings of betrayal I've tried not to express. I've spoken of the reasons before in this blog, you know, about what has been revealed to me in just the last week of socializing with my friends. My trusted friend decided to be arrogant... she said she doesn't want to talk to me because she feels bad and wants to be a "better ally?" What a fabrication. What sort of lie is this? She doesn't want to be my friend anymore because me re-asserting my transness means re-affirming the very reason she had to stop pining over me two months ago. The reason I told her I wasn't interested in her anymore was because of my concern over her lack of support/understanding of queer people. And I was right to feel to that way. For her to break off our friendship because of this sort of guilt just feels... craven. I wish her the best, but my God, if she does ever sack up and choose to give our friendship another go, maybe she'll remember herself.
And yet for a moment, I feel like a hypocrite... because I did text "Warhol" something similar, did I not? It wasn't an ideological motivation, though. Oh, thank the stars, there wasn't a pretext of identity politics attached. No, I believed that it was wrong to lead her astray in our friendship, I didn't want to put on airs. I wanted to be clear about my intentions. Yes, maybe it would have been better to just hang on and never say anything... but what sort of bullshit is that? She does not need somebody looking to trauma-bond their way into a relationship, how disgusting. Women rightfully express disdain with male "friends" leading them on, only to reveal they secretly desire them in a capacity prohibitive to maintaining a platonic friendship. While it isn't wrong to have feelings towards a friend, it is wrong to lie, to manipulate. And... come on. I know I'm not a man, but this is somebody I've known since before I came out. It's effectively the same thing, is it not? Not even mentioning the fact that her ex is a friend of mine. I couldn't stomach the idea of that, no, no.
I wish her the best, but I just couldn't do that to her. In my message I wanted to be kind, while also being frank about it all. I wanted to lay out the truth, so there would be no secrets, no deception. I don't really care to moralize it. I needed to wash my hands of it whether the time was right or not. Allow me to be indulgent and selfish for a moment, but I am not, how do you say, nonchalant? I'm not avoidant, you know? People complain so much about people in our age group being these sorts of things. I don't see much clarity in the way a lot of you guys choose to act. Say what you really feel, don't bullshit me. I might be a lot of things, but I have never been stupid. You all know me well enough to know that I'm a bit of a brainiac.
Our only connective factor was our mutual relationship with her now ex-boyfriend, what business do I have retaining affections for either of them? That's the real tea of it, you know? I used to have feelings for him, too. I expressed my concerns to Mr. Parker himself, believe it or not; I revealed everything to her ex, my trusted friend whom I had doubted so shamefully on account of her testimony. He is like my brother, you know. I can never hate him. I don't want to be his girlfriend, but I do love him.
I couldn't prepare myself for the quickness of his answers to my questions, and I could never anticipate the seriousness of the circumstances that he would reveal so frankly, in the cool of the afternoon.
It was revealed to me, my friends. The truth of it all was nothing short of maddening confusion and betrayal. I do not believe she was wrong to come to me with her woes about him beforehand, no, no. In that moment, I was a friend. I am absolutely capable of setting aside my feelings for a moment of needed camaraderie. But to omit such serious contexts, to contort such serious circumstances so wantonly in her favor... this was intentional.
With respect, I will not reveal anything specific about who these people really are or what "events" I am referring to. Just know that there is a young lady out there who needs the support of her friends and community to... "address" some vices.
Mmhmm. Yeah.
This nigga really told me he didn't want me to know about it because there was "nothing I could do." God... friends are supposed to help each other, four eyes. These journalists, they're all full of shit. Every last one. And I'm friends with all of them, Lord help me. I used to be one of those, isn't that terrible? They'll tell the whole world about every little gossip and murder that needs telling, but they'll keep their trauma in the closet and hide from their real-life friends. It's not their fault; it's the way the world is. Sounds like I'm just shitting on the guy, but it's worse than that. I'm worried about him.
III. Life Bullshit
I'm sure there's a reading of this entry, along with previous entries, that might read as, "the facade is starting to slip. We're learning more of the ugly truth beneath the performance."
I guess that might be true. While I try to carry myself with dignity, and I keep a bottom line of respect and kindness through my ephemeral manner, I am, unfortunately, a real person. Everything a kid should never want to be, let me tell you... behind my eyes is something of a forest fire, and currently I'm paying out of pocket to my lovely therapist to get some rescue planes over the smoke.
It does feel hard to keep a lid on all of this bitterness. It's unbecoming, I promise there is more to me. But it is a lot of that within me, I won't pretend to be anything other than myself.
I'll tell you of the other conceits pushing me towards an actionable infuriation. It's the families, folks, it is always the families... the tents are still flooding. And Remas' apartment, it has no roof. No roof! She got stiffed on paying rent for a place like that, and now she and her daughter are trying to stay above water. Literally. The idea of charging a mother and her child rent to live inside of an active concentration camp is ridiculous. Yes, I know everybody needs what need to survive, but good God, man.
Manal's family is undergoing the same trial. They have a tent, not an apartment. Eats at my gut. We haven't gotten a deposit to transfer, yet, so I can't wire anything more until probably next year... they're in the cold. Luay is sick, too, y'know.
How am I supposed to enjoy the escapist fantasy with a mind like this? I just can't get behind anything that doesn't feel as real as this. Yeah, I'll be the asshole about it. I haven't played the new Warframe update because I just can't allow myself to get distracted. I'm balancing bills, work, Manal, Remas, music, and my loved ones rn. I don't have time for it, not really, at least. This upcoming break I'll be able to hop on and see what's happening with Tau, but before then, I'm locked in. I often struggle with my nature as a hopeless romantic despite my brain knowing full well that I don't have time for all that. I really, really want to have time for that, y'know.
What influences my work these days can feel so "pedestrian" when put up next to what inspired my past creations. Ha1f King had a very extraterrestrial, techno infused sort of feeling to it. There was a kind of alchemy I was interested in doing between my feelings and my dreams of the future. All of that is still there, but there's more to it, now. I think growing up, being a working stiff, it's made my aspirations feel less like sky-high dreams from a shooting star.
It's like... I can do this. I can do this within the span of 6 months, even. I can help with the larger cause today. I'm really in this bitch, now. College is sort of like adult life, but there's definitely a feeling I've gotten from this life I'm living that I wouldn't trade for the world. I needed to experience this, man. I've always grown up in a family of working-class people, but my parents are both educated, both very learned and artsy, y'know? They work at universities, right?
Granted, my mom works in student advising, and my dad is in tech support, so they aren't making "bank" or anything, especially not looking like *us* (don't let the TV fool you, Black people are still getting paid dogshit compared to those honkeys buying houses in Tel-Aviv), but it's a different feeling than what a lot of my family and friends have got. I've been a real salt of the earth stiff for some years, now, and I'm glad that I could do it. I didn't do it alone, no. My family and friends have been incredible allies to me along my journey, right? I had to do college all merit because we couldn't afford to do loans, but it was my friends I met at Wayne that made the experience of passing every single class bearable. I finished school with 18 credits on my back, and by some miracle of science I managed to get an A in Chinese, because I dunno about you guys, but I'm trying to prepare for whatever situation the world finds itself in within the next few years, hao bu hao.
I took a chance on the wrong person and got SEVERLY sidetracked for a minute, but I am not letting up any time soon. We are so fucking back
So my approach is going to be... different. You know, my aunties used to think I was shy. Can you believe it? I used to think I was an introvert... nah. I might the be only extrovert in the state of Michigan.
IV. History Bullshit
Let me tell you what's really motivating the push for this project, Hepburn. I've been re-examining my tastes, and I've been drawn back to the malaise era; that's a car person term, lmao.
The malaise era refers to the 70's, and a bit of the 80's, typically denoting a period occupied with the production of slipshod American motor vehicles. Real dogshit K-Cars and ramshackle Rivieras, y'know. These vehicles were built during a failing economy in an industry crippled by the gas crisis. I use this term to refer to the totality of the time itself, as I feel so much about this moment is all too similar to the history of that era. I believe that our current President's administration mirrors many of the worst traits of Nixon and Reagan, I believe that the ICE raids have a similar effect on our communities as we saw with the War on Crime and the War on Drugs. I think what Trump is doing is even worse, with the concentration camps and the AI datacenters and what-not. But think about the continuity of that historical moment, just for a moment.
The counterculture era of the sixties failed. The figureheads of the changing tide had been assassinated or jailed, or just flat out forgotten. There was a moment we had in our world where we really believed that the tide of social justice was turning in our favor, y'know. We were living in a world where Gay marriage was legal, we really liked to believe we had finally done it... But reality came back to us. The Liberal dream is just a dream. The democrats were too arrogant to lay down their arms and concede to their constituents concerns over the Vietnam War. The same party, some of the same people even... they just couldn't let go of that Israeli money, they let themselves lose over Gaza. Back in the day, those fuckers gave way to the election of a man who had previously failed to beat Kennedy, a man who led a horrifically successful fascist movement: Richard Nixon. No, I will not entertain the idea that Richard Milhouse Nixon was not a fascist.
Bulldozers, Tanks, riot control, a war on crime. Nixon laid the groundwork for Reagan, and Reagan made the blueprints that Trump would use for his second coming. We have the national guard and our very own gestapo occupying America's major cities. Political resistance, crushed! Young leaders and revolutionaries have been kidnapped and disappeared ever since 2020, and Trump has only intensified his use of the surveillance apparatus. In fact, Trump has his work cut out for him having two terms, since he's been able to sort of be his own Nixon and Reagan. And poor Jimmy Carter, he had no idea Biden was one of his sons. Biden was even worse, too, as paltry as Carter could be.
The seventies saw the birth of two major countercultural movements in the American youth. These movements are more strongly engendered towards the backgrounds of the kids that were creating the art that we now recognize as cultural standards. I'm sure you know, I'm referring to Punk Rock and Hip-Hop. Each have their roots in musical styles that predate their era, but it would be a few years before they would grow into the forces we know them to be now. That said... I cannot talk about either of these movements without talking about the most important cultural phenomenon of the 70s:
Disco.
V. Hyperpop Bullshit
Everybody wants to pretend to be above Disco, but disco cycles are as inevitable as rain. People's initial reaction to the loss of progress is to simulate the feeling of it's presence. People want escapism, for a while. And most of us still will, for as long as we're still human.
Disco is named for the discotheque clubs that were popping up over in Europe. It's Pop music with an infusion of soul and funk, it's a sort of cultural optimism manifested through sound. Disco is a creation of Black culture, but it was something that was designed to be appealing to everyone. It was so astronomically successful that it would inspire the creation of several newer genres of music, most notably contributing to the rise of electronic dance music as we know today. These innovations were as much the result of it's black originators as they were contributions from the mostly European producers and artists that were taking over the Disco scene in the decade.
Now... let's put ourselves within the realm of the now. I would posit to you that we are in a Disco era. I believe that the very fact of our generation's contribution to the sub-cultural umbrella we call "Hyperpop" solidifies that we are still very much caught within the throes of an escapist zeitgeist. We used the influences of our Millennial predecessors to create a cultural period of sugar-rush bullshit. And I love that bullshit. Many of the stars of Disco would be artist that made their name in the previous decade, people like Diana Ross, Cher, even (lmao) David Bowie. I remember when Brat came out, and there were so many longtime Charli fans and PC Music nuts that were furious! because her newer fans seemingly had no idea just how long she had really been doing it. It's like... guys. Relax. Remember when Money Machine blew up during the pandemic? You wanna talk about boom and bust cycles... I love 100 Gecs. I really do.
The funniest part of our current cultural moment is that the foremost influence for a lot of the escapist fantasies we see in music AND on the big screen today can be best described as a sort of pseudo-historical pastiche of 80's New Wave music(?). It didn't start with Dua Lipa, but my God, she gave it quite a push. And we're still in this shit. Cause like, I like 2hollis, I like Pinkpantheress, I like Sabrina Carpenter and Chappel Roan and Destroy Lonely and whoever the fuck yeah you get it, but, think about it for a minute. Is there anything we're seeing in mass culture that is trying to speak to the authentic reality or feeling of this moment?
What we're looking for is counter-culture. We have some inklings of it in certain artists and bands, who stake their brand in a certain dedication towards resistance. I do like those people in Kneecap, I do, but that can't be... it, right? I don't mean heavy music, I don't just mean music that sounds hardcore. I mean music that is substantively critical. Because the 60s counterculture era, with the west coast psych rockers like Jimi and hard rock proto-punkers like Iggy, and the breakbeat raving that James Brown made his bread and butter in that decade, there was a birth of the sound that would characterize the aesthetics of the coming scenes... but that wasn't the message. Not yet.
Let me talk about SOPHIE. There was a sublime sort of vision she would talk about. Pop-timism as a vehicle of innovation, the idea that Pop as an art form exists to push the limits of what a catchy sound can be, that we have to look towards expanding the appetite of the audience by stretching and bending what Pop music can be.
SOPHIE's style is powerful, aggressive, distinct... it is not passive, and it changes you. It is a spiritually affecting noise that she crafted. Her brand of Pop is not just sugary, you must understand. Oh, I would go as far to say that she managed to use electronic music to make Pop heavy in a way that it has, frankly, never been.
There was a radical persona she embodied during her career, and her debut project Oil of Every Pearl's Un-Insides should have been the flashpoint for a new wave. We have transgender celebrities, yes. And there are transgender pop stars, but all of these popstars are daughters of what SOPHIE had shaped through her work... and then she died.
SOPHIE was supposed to be the next superstar. There was supposed to be a world where a trans woman shook the table. She was able to do that, but God didn't give her enough time. He just didn't.
There are so many of her friends, collaborators, and "sons" that would take her framework and establish their own moments in history. I do believe that Charli has managed to capture some part of this with Brat, and of course, I never knew SOPHIE. I have no idea what her circle knew to be her ultimate goal.
But I feel like the dream of what her brand of Pop-timism was looking to achieve... has not been achieved. I believe that those outside the know of the "Hyperpop" and "Rage Rap" and other stuff whatever yadda yadda industry word umbrella have not met the mark of what that could have been. I feel as if we are living in the world where that mission was not accomplished.
No, I don't think that Ponyboy would have solved racism... but I think that a world where a trans face, being portrayed in a transgressive, empowered light, being on every television and cell phone, would be a different world than the one we're living in.
I do not believe I am quite as capable as SOPHIE, AG Cook, Pierre Bourne, or even visual designers like Hannah Diamond or Virgil. But I think that I can just throw my hat in the ring, and try my best. I just want to try my hardest to make something that feels honest, y'know? I want to make something that really feels different than what I'm used to. I want to challenge myself, and I want to challenge my peers.
I am not looking to create a sound that feels like SOPHIE. No, I'm looking to do something different. She is one of my greatest inspirations, and I feel like... we need a taste of aggression, of transgression, in the cultural attitude of our generation. I want to take the aesthetic feeling of what she created, and translate it towards a socio-cultural message.
I don't want to make escapist music, or pop music. Basically, I am interested in seeing something different from us as a generation.
I want to make my own rendition of what I would hope to see as "counterculture."
I feel as if we all know that there's a calling we have, a necessity for violence. We are trying diligently to achieve a better world through peace, through protests, through believing in the "right things..."
But it's not enough. You see, Punk music failed. I love Punk music! I love New Wave! I like all those CBGB people, I love Talking Heads and B52s, I even have the Destroy All Monsters CD! Ramones, Black Flag, all those guys... they failed.
Hip-Hop is my favorite genre. It is the art form most near and dear to my heart. Vince put it perfectly, where there is no "moment" a Black youth learns to like Hip-Hop. It is literally ingrained into our lives and DNA. Hip-Hop is who we are. But it has failed. I'm sure many of the greatest in the tradition of Hip-Hop can tell you... it has failed.
And I acknowledge that whatever our generation creates will likely fail, too. That's natural, culture changes... and musical-artistic movements aren't enough to shift the socioeconomic condition of the entire world.
But I want to try. I want to give it an honest, good attempt. I know that to really change things, we have to get violent. We have to start getting messy, we have to organize and accept the toll of what needs to happen to create a better, more equitable, more community focused world of people.
I'm basically deciding to lace up my shoes and get my hands dirty. I'm pushing myself to become something, so I can make some changes MY way. I will not do it alone... I am trying to bring all my friends up with me. New and old. Painters, Photographers, Writers, Musicians, Athletes... everybody. And all of them need to be fighters, too.
I named my project Hepburn after two things.
1. The man who created the romanized translation syllables for Japanese. The idea is that this project is a new creative language for me.
2. Audrey Hepburn! She portrays a character in the film Breakfast at Tiffany's named Holly Golightly.
This woman is using an alias to live a double life, attempting to live an escapist fantasy to separate herself from the disastrous circumstances of her real life.
I'm sure you can see the idea there, you guys are all smart.
I took a little bit of Techno stuff, like Juan Atkins and Richie Hawtin, a bit of Krautrock, yknow, I love Kraftwerk, a lot of PC Music and Cloud Rap... and I stepped back into my beloved Punk nothingism. Patti Smith and Talking Heads, The Stooges and Destroy All Monsters. I've been influenced a lot by my father's own music in his band Groove Fellowship, as well as the stuff he played when I was little. I greatly admire the work of Gil Scott Heron.
I'm really shooting for the moon, here. Hepburn isn't just about an album, its a changing of mindset. Its the wrong mindset. I'm looking to radicalized everything about the way I live, about the person I choose to be. And I want to inspire people, I want to help make something great happen. I want to instill a spirit that motivates us to kill the fascist inside of our hearts. And to hopefully get rid of the fascists out there.
I'm excited. I'm gonna give it a real shake. I WILL at the very least develop a real audience, if nothing else. I don't want to be famous, I don't want to be wealthy. If I could organize a live aid show to get my friends out of the genocide and to free the families locked in those ICE concentration camps, I can die happy.
I'll see you guys soon. Let's paint the town dandelion yellow.
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