HK Blog

It's here again. It feels exactly the same. I know I have to leave this one. It will be easier to find another place this time. I know, I know, I know. It's just another day. It's just another day. I'm used to these. I know what to do with these. I know how to live with these. It doesn't get easy, but it's not becoming harder. It's feels exactly the same. I know I have to feel this one. It will be better when I let myself feel it all the same. I know, I know, I know. I can't watch anything. I can't read. I can't relax. I can't create. I can't make any of it happen myself. I need my friends more than ever when it gets like this. I know, I know, I know. I know, I know, I know. It's not easier, it's just familiar. It's adjustable. I know, I know, I know. I was wrong. It is easier. It is easier when I read. There is work and non-work, Gods and Titans. In my works and days, I see a history so much clearer. I'm still so small, ...

I had a walk around the track at work with my songs in my ears, to soothe the nerves a little. I found myself caught up in negative ruminations about all of my blessings. I find myself doing that a lot, y'know. It was a lot of wincing about what ifs, measuring collateral from warm regards and kinship. I was thinking, am I bad for them? Am I spending too much time with them? I'm over-thinking it again. [Lydia] wants to try another date, I don't know what day to give her for it, since I'm not in a state of mind to look ahead too much. I do love her, but I'm maybe too screwed up right to live up to some of her expectations, is what I'm ideating. I've got stuff booked that I'm beginning to worry about.  She's among the most pleasant to be around in my day-to-day, but I am worried about falling into something I'm not equipped to handle. I am terrified of dissappointing her, and I'm not sure why this is. It's largely because of the (sorta) dete...

All I can do is wait it out. It won't go away with any sort of sentimental salves. There's not a good medicine for it, none that wouldn't thwart me in my pursuits toward stability. Well, there's so many sinking now You gotta keep thinking You can make it through these waves Acid, booze, and ass Needles, guns, and grass Lots of laughs... I haven't heard from Manal in some days. Every time I happens it feels like the first time. I can't ever get used to it. I do love my friends. I love them dearly. I just don't think I can love them the right way. It's not anything I can put into words, beyond stating that I like where we are. But I know they don't. I don't want to hurt them. I want to spend every day with them. But I can't give up, not on this. I've come so far... what am I so worried about? So many dreams realized, so many aspirations achieved. And I'm looking down the slope of the hill, and pit forms in my stomach. Everybody's sa...

It would be easier to tell you the number of seconds and hours I didn't have her image in my head. She's everywhere, she's electricity, huh? Static, she sits on every surface I touch. She's hair, she's glucose, she's nitrogen. I'm being blinded by a fanciful catastrophe of romantic intrigue. It's sickening, isn't it? How do you loosen the grip? My knuckles are white and red. How tight I'm hanging on, you'd think I slept amongst lions. A Between The Lions reference in 2026? Yes! Take it home with you, make friends with it. Her eyes have a way of immobilizing me. I think she almost means to peer into the orrery of my mind, if only to better entice herself towards whatever idea she has of me in her heart. I've tried everything to underwhelm and dissapoint her, to tarry her vigilance, and nothing works. Hard to ignore her providence when she stands above me, y'know?  I love her, still. This is the worst. She's such an angel, what a si...

It's such a phyrric kind of victory to have certainty towards danger. I know exactly what I'm afraid of, with her. And I want to know everything about her, that's my issue. I find myself hoping I don't hit the wrong notes, but oh, "pink triangle on her sleeve," let me know the truth, let me know the truth. I've been a bit licentious, and greedy. I've been at peace with the uncertainties of my life because I've found tender and sensual friendships unknowable to the reasonable sensibility of my upbringing. I make my own morals with who I bite, it seems like. And yet I can't stop myself from thinking about her. I just... So frustrating, isn't it? I'm too busy to allow myself to feel what I'm feeling about this divination in the form of a lady. She's a omen of what is inside, a card called the future. Scary stuff, huh? I've been putting off my writings and podcastings. I don't feel like waxing about it yet, y'know? I had...

IT HAS BEEN FAR TOO LONG I got sick twice and had to help my twin buy a new car. Oh, good heavens, two speeches in the cold! Two! And a march! The company of some dear friends could never be anything less than essential to soothing the nerves, right? I fear I was a bit too indulgent for a moment, is the thing. I don't regret anything as much I sort of just wonder if I was maybe... too licentious, in some respects. Oh, piss. Forget that. Two ladies! They like it! And I'm the oooonly me There was a different date with a hinge person that set me aside somewhat, right? They gave me the second cold, the first was from laying about. I must say that I'm not too fond of suicidal ideations. I'd wish better for them, but alas, I'd also wish better for me. We combined Ice Melter and Unseen into a bigger, better song. And with that development, Hepburn is closer to being as undeniable as I'd like it. Some new ads for Remas, and I've got almost a hundred in balance I...

Im finding that this city is starting to become a bit desperate... and it's also a bit too protestant. I've recently been offered an RCS position, piecemeal. It's only lucky they finally remember that I'm an adult, I guess. I'm necessary enough to be ignored, feels like. I do in fact think I'm better than this department, and that I deserve better than this. It is not my fault that this country seems to be choosing cynicism and selfishness over the promise of community. I love Detroit, but I do not like how Midwestern it is. Maybe the worst thing about Midwesterners is that most of them are all ideologically protestant, regardless whether they vote red or blue. They are averse to uncertainty and sociability. Maybe it was a curse to raise me in a multicultural enviroment, because when I'm denied the opportunity to see more interesting faces and personalities, when I'm placed into homogenous enviroments... it's grating, to me. Every single person is un...