7/26/26 - My Love

She is everything to me, in a manner I don't know if I can stomach. I keep hoping that next time I see her, my thoughts about her will lessen and lessen, that I'll be able to understand her as just another friend, just another smiling comrade.

But she's so much more than that, and it hurts me to know this feeling will never go away. I feel less and less certain about how she feels inside with each passing meeting. I feel shame building more and more with each encounter, a pestilence of love making me sicker and sicker every time I see her eyes.

The more I try to understand her, the less I feel like I actually do.

I work my life out tearing apart these pictures I have of her in my mind, so I may try to understand only what she allows me to. I don't want to gainsay her love or mess around with feelings she's never had. I want to know if she loves me, and I just don't have an answer. If the answer is no, then it will be easy. I could walk away with my head intact, y’know.

I can't walk away from it if I don't know when it ends. I just wish she could tell me.

I feel like... I feel like she's just being nice. And I just don't know why I can't let it go.

Should I quit? Should I stop going to the actions? I don't know if I can be a good supporter if I need to put my head under wraps just to stay genteel.


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