HK Blog

The following entry is a transcribed stream of consciousness, written for the purpose of having a documented deposition of my thoughts. It helps me to stay humble, I guess, to expose my grey matter in a safe public environment. I feel more comfortable in the presence of peers, of friends, of family. I don't do well on my own. So that's why I allow this blog to be visible to the public. I'm trying something. I've never been able to sustain this before. There's a first time for everything, though. A necessary silence. Nobody will know me, ever again. Nobody will know. I'm giving it a go. There is no drive towards organization that I can see. So instead... I'll muster something better than what I could be capable of in a healthy mindset. I choose to allow myself to be solemn. I'm gonna let myself starve today, that makes it easier. It's easier to stay focused when I'm hungry. When I'm tired. My brain doesn't put those nutrients in the right ...

I'm not busy enough. I'm writing this at work, and I know that's the case. I'm not busy enough. If I have enough time to get caught up like that, it's farcical. I've heard the right women express this as wisdom. I'm inclined to think they're correct. That's all. It's strange, cause I've got enough activity as it is. So for me to struggle with keeping my mind on what's in front of me, its indicative of a psychological snag. I'll be okay, though. Yesterday after work I walked around in the city in the cold. I like being around the noise of other people. I don't care for the silence right now. I don't. And of course I realize, good art learns to embrace silence. I guess I've got a ways to go. Aimless Maxence... I'm only blessed I never had an inclination to serve. Nah. I can be aimless my own way. Michel Legrand, you find your way into a heart with those compositions... even now I hear it. This job is so meaningless and m...

Allow me to be diaristic. If for only but a moment. I had another fruitful conversation with Remas. Being able to clarify my goals, through service towards her and Manal, is something I was knowingly prosyltized towards realizing as my path. It was instilled as a prime directive every day I spent in Church, growing up. Sometimes I wish there really were coincidences. I could stand to have some friction to push against, this balsawood foundation I'm sitting on right now is starting to embitter my conscience. I don't regret the direction. I could never take her candor for granted. I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. 66 Hail Marys, thats what I'm thinking. I got to make three different posters and print 22 copies of each. This month is when I'm gonna paint the town yellow. And I'll need to adopt a persona of arrogance, something that can incense my network towards action. You !   I know exactly what possesses somebody like you to linger. So I'll be generous, i...

I have a woman inside my soul Her eyes somber and sad She waves her hand to try to reach me But I don′t know what she says I wish I knew what she says I wish I knew what she wants I wish I knew what she says to me I wish I knew what she means to me Let me tell you... more than anything else I've come to understand in the past year, I've ruminated on a singularly shameful revelation about myself like crazy. And I don't feel bad about it, I'm gonna keep doing it. I'm a slut. Im a real romantic psycho, all I can think about is that girl. I'm a real hopeless munch, a bread headed dog. I'm thinking this year I'm gonna let it out a little bit. I'm gonna maybe catch something, but I can manage. Open air will always carry that risk... I'd welcome it just for her. It's the mystery of it, that wherewithal to wonder and peck at my own interest. I need to know this girl, I want her to talk to me for hours and hours. I want to fall asleep to her voice, y...

I had an absolutely wonderful day with my family, you know. Everything was great. I don't have any complaints. I'm not going to complain about anything. I'm just going to examine myself. I'm going to allow myself the time to be honest. I haven't truly delivered any penance to my heart in a good long while. This rag dried up for a bit, I thought I wouldn't need to rely on it as much. I did start seeing a therapist, you know, so I guess it makes sense. But it happened today. I was attacked with a physically threatening pang of suicidal mania and desperation. It came so suddenly that I didn't have time to internalize it. Even now it doesn't really make sense to me why it happened so suddenly. I have some ideas. I was late on taking my injections, because life decided to fuck me over, so my cycle is off. Hormonal imbalance for a few days. But I'm a big girl, I'm not a transmedicalist. Even if not everything goes right with hrt, yknow, even if it real...

It started to come back a little bit, today. What I've found is that I'm better at ignoring it. Im slowly learning to live in spite of my conniptions. By "it," I mean that feeling I get every month or so that makes me feel like the worst person in the world and that I have to apologize to everybody that I know for whatever reason. I am so much better than a Rockstar. It's not feeling unusual to believe in myself anymore. It feels like the default of what I know myself to be. Mike Duggan is filming inside of our fieldhouse right now, and he's a lot shorter than I expected. Not that I expected anything. There is no "what if you don't make it" sort of question in my mind. I know that it's gonna work. Whether the world wants it or not. I know that what I'm making is good. I know that what I'm making will change things. I know that I am worth so much more than what I'm getting right now.

I found the little things I see little ways you'll fade away I know there's something there I know you thought about me yesterday That's okay You hang around me too much, you're feeling guilty that you know, that it won't stay It's okay Forget about me anyways You would make me into your God Just to scare away the pain You know you can could read about me Cause you were writing every page Every word is a commandment Every friend turns to a slave Cause you think that I'm The Man You can't see that we're the same Every lady is yours On any breast, you'd stake a claim For your country or messiah Either way, it feels the same Every heart is like a nation Every war is right as rain Cause you think that I'm The Man You can't see that we're the same Flesh and Blood Flesh and Blood You have got the power