Visual Dump

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11/24/25 - Rêve

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Before we begin, please click the link to donate to Manal's kids Despite everything, you seem to hang on. You still believe in me. I don't know why. But you're still watching me. Even though it feels like I've done everything to push you all away. My brain has a hard time with understanding the concept of being supported or cared about. I don't say that to seem unique. I mean to say that I don't understand how it works for other people. My parents love me, my friends love me, and I don't know why. I love them, and I see so much beauty in them. I don't see much of anything in myself. They say within low self esteem hides a sort of narcissism or arrogance. It's a self obsession predicated on guilt and shame👎👎. I'm learning to understand that I must think less about how I measure up to everybody else. I have to remember what I know that I am. I'm tossing all of my alcohol. The Jager, the Miller, the Cider, all of it. All gone. All of it. I don...
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1/2/26 - I Have A Woman Inside My Soul

I have a woman inside my soul Her eyes somber and sad She waves her hand to try to reach me But I don′t know what she says I wish I knew what she says I wish I knew what she wants I wish I knew what she says to me I wish I knew what she means to me Let me tell you... more than anything else I've come to understand in the past year, I've ruminated on a singularly shameful revelation about myself like crazy. And I don't feel bad about it, I'm gonna keep doing it. I'm a slut. Im a real romantic psycho, all I can think about is that girl. I'm a real hopeless munch, a bread headed dog. I'm thinking this year I'm gonna let it out a little bit. I'm gonna maybe catch something, but I can manage. Open air will always carry that risk... I'd welcome it just for her. It's the mystery of it, that wherewithal to wonder and peck at my own interest. I need to know this girl, I want her to talk to me for hours and hours. I want to fall asleep to her voice, y...
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1/9/26 - Eating Disorder

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The following entry is a transcribed stream of consciousness, written for the purpose of having a documented deposition of my thoughts. It helps me to stay humble, I guess, to expose my grey matter in a safe public environment. I feel more comfortable in the presence of peers, of friends, of family. I don't do well on my own. So that's why I allow this blog to be visible to the public. I'm trying something. I've never been able to sustain this before. There's a first time for everything, though. A necessary silence. Nobody will know me, ever again. Nobody will know. I'm giving it a go. There is no drive towards organization that I can see. So instead... I'll muster something better than what I could be capable of in a healthy mindset. I choose to allow myself to be solemn. I'm gonna let myself starve today, that makes it easier. It's easier to stay focused when I'm hungry. When I'm tired. My brain doesn't put those nutrients in the right ...
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