7/20/26 - All Tomorrow's Parties

How many times can you listen to your favorite songs before you get tired of them? Really think about it. It may be impossible to figure, cause you first gotta know how much you love that song to then understand how much of it you can take. 

A really good one sticks with you. Enough where you wouldn't want to get sick of it.

People are potent, y'know. More than songs, more than music. It's not surprising that every endeavor I seem to make in this adult life is motivated by that same sort of tripe, y'know? It's gotta be good enough for her.

What a vain thing to admit... but we deal in truths, here. I do a lot of epithets and prose, but I try my hardest to not give into ego and illusion. Never been a good liar.

I gotta find some way to focus on something else. Anything else. Speaking of broken records, the Abbey Road vinyl I got is in terrible condition. I Want You/She's So Heavy is unplayable, the best song on the album! Fitting.

Everyone I speak to in the city seems to feel that we're in a very perilous, uncertain point in our history. Nobody knows what tomorrow is gonna look like. I wish I could tell you I had any sort of clairvoyance on the micro and macro, but I just... don't.

I felt some inspiration from seeing Lydia practice. She's very dedicated to her craft, and from there I think I felt comfortable testing myself a bit with this project I'm working on. From Lydia I see a radiance that makes it easier to keep going. I do feel as if Lydia, Gatter, and Judith are like family. I don't know how I'd manage any of this without them. I love them so much, and I feel that, at least partially, I'm making this album for them. I do hope they like it, when I am finished, or at least when I'm far enough in to show them my work in confidence.

Torn between two names for it. Television Pirate vs Something For A Bouquet

Second one feels too revealing, but that's why I believe it might be the more necessary choice. I must always dip just a tad further into the water than I'd like to, in order to get that necessary feeling. That humanity, right, that's what makes it worth it, I feel like. I might just name it Bouquet if I'm sticking to one word album titles.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I do believe that she knows. She has to, right? 

It's maybe my greatest weakness as of late, that I love her. I hope to God that it's within me to turn this into a strength. For her, I must carry myself with a dignity steeped in her providence. Because, let's be honest, there's nothing I know about it that she does not. She's too brilliant to assume anything less. I feel as if she knows better than I do. For my own sake, she'll never tell me anything.

I wish I knew how to ask her. There's no right way to think about it.

My twin's car had it's Cat stolen, but they seemed to be joking about it with their friends, so everything seems okay. It was inspiring, to bear witness their perseverance. Much like in Lydia's example, I find that my family is always what keeps me hanging on.

My girls in Gaza are what pull me back to Earth, y'know? I hope they know how much I think about them.

Somtimes, I wish I could be more focused, less heartsick, for these wonderful people in my life. Sometimes, I cant help but wonder if I'm doing too much, in her eyes.

I wish she'd tell me what I need to hear.



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

9/7/25 - 1800

"Sometimes, it's best to remember wisdom. Sometimes, I must remember that I all I can ever know is that I don't know anything. I have no idea who anybody ever is." This is the only section of my original entry for today that I still believe is true. I believe it is the only passage that authentically conveys what is in my heart. It's now been a good 13 hours since I left Big Pink. That's right, I ended up going, had a blast. People liked my dancing again, that's always nice to hear. TV Lounge was nice too, the music was better, but its a great place to sit down and let my mind slip away. It was in doing that I realized that very same sadness you see in quotes. Sometimes I read my past entries, and I notice what I've lost about myself. I used to be a more poetic person, a more verbose person, before this job stripped all of that out of me. I used to be someone worth knowing. I think that day, the day of my first call-off, was the day that ruined it all....
Read more

11/24/25 - Rêve

Image
Before we begin, please click the link to donate to Manal's kids Despite everything, you seem to hang on. You still believe in me. I don't know why. But you're still watching me. Even though it feels like I've done everything to push you all away. My brain has a hard time with understanding the concept of being supported or cared about. I don't say that to seem unique. I mean to say that I don't understand how it works for other people. My parents love me, my friends love me, and I don't know why. I love them, and I see so much beauty in them. I don't see much of anything in myself. They say within low self esteem hides a sort of narcissism or arrogance. It's a self obsession predicated on guilt and shame👎👎. I'm learning to understand that I must think less about how I measure up to everybody else. I have to remember what I know that I am. I'm tossing all of my alcohol. The Jager, the Miller, the Cider, all of it. All gone. All of it. I don...
Read more

8/20/25 - Melinda Ledbetter

Image
The confusion has taken over. You have to be wanted to be welcomed. You have to be familiar to be family. I am a stranger. My coworkers don't like me anymore. It's just a job again. I don't know what I expected. It's only halfway through probation, and I'm already looking down the barrel. Yesterday a staff member said they saw a mouse in the broom closet. I kept thinking I should let it bite me so I could get some paid time off. The right people are talking to me again, and I'm still down the well. So it's a me problem. And there's a stalker of some sorts who's been coming in to work for weeks. Every day. He's making the ladies uncomfortable. I shouldn't be surprised, it's everywhere. It's in the water. One of the kids came into work and I almost felt like I didn't wanna die again. They're more interesting to talk to. Maybe that's the wrong thing to think. Some of my coworkers hate these kids. Maybe they're right and I...
Read more