10/23/26 - 9 of Swords

I made one of the most predictable mistakes of my entire life this week. For the doggedness of my fears, and my deep mistrust of well meaning folks, I have been rewarded with the exact disillusionment I had hoped *not* to elicit.

The last thing I want is for someone to feel bad for me. Readers, I have been nothing but vain and indignant in my accounts, correct? Why would I lie to you? My friend informed me of these omens in her tarot reading earlier this month. More flagrantly, she told me, to my face, that if I don't get a handle on my neurotic and fearful tendencies, that I would experience a great misfortune or defeat. And they were right! I wasn't smart enough to shut the hell up.

Gave myself a congestion of worries in my mind by confusing the timing of my inquiries, yknow. I was trying to clarify on something they asked about, about writing letters, right? But I somehow managed to forget they were taking a break from their phone, so I got it in my head that they didn't want to talk to me.

If you're confused, then you would be in your right mind. Unlike myself.

And then guess what? Culture came to collect. Olivia and Chappel Roan had to come out with that song, the irony of it.

I'm not kissing any girl that is passive
Their indecision is painfully unattractive
Past mistakes are just new information
These days I've got expectations

Now there's no kissing involved in this situation, but likewise, they went and showed me, huh? Now I've stumbled into the pit, and I'm not thinking there's any points of leverage to climb out with. Im not quite as spiritual or religious as some others, but I'm way too superstitious. Oh, I couldn't shake that out of me. Not for all the money in the world.

I've managed to connect with some good people in the city, about an opportunity for Hepburn. The external factor of my reading, about putting myself out there and utilizing opportunities I had been ignoring, has been better heeded and understood by me. 

What does it say that I remembered to work on the careerist artsy bullshit before working on my social intelligence? The opposite of what I'd been like a few years ago. Unfortunately, a very masculine sort of trait to have, so I'll need to work on that.
"You will never be a woman," trust me, I know.
That same night, I didn't find myself caring all that much about some rude things a fellow sister said about me. Maybe I should have taken that harder? Maybe there really is no place for what I've become. Just as well, I suppose. I've never been good at any of that.

I'm not kissing any girl that is passive
Their indecision is painfully unattractive
Past mistakes are just new information
These days I've got expectations

I think I've found myself in just about the exact same scenario as I was in last year. Everything that needs to happen needs to happen today, and I've let the day pass me by. If not for my pride, that terrible thing lifting me above the water, I think I'd surely allow myself a trip beneath the waves.

I'll be alright.

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