10/5/26 - From 5 to 7



Old Man, look at my life,
I'm a lot like you were

How should I describe it? It was a weird feeling weekend. A small break from normalcy, but it was just all the same. Just a cut above being pedestrian, I guess.

I'm not in the typical mode today. I can't figure out a way to orate as I usually would, I think I might be changing. For the better or for the worse, I'm not sure, but I'm wearing long sleeves today. Not a jacket either, or a button up. A real sweater.

During work, I bit my toungue while eating a Torta, and now I have to keep this paper in my mouth to prevent myself from swallowing blood.

I've been first and last
Look at how the time goes past
But I'm all alone at last
Rolling home to you

In my heart, I find myself just where I was a year before. Despite knowing all my strengths, despite knowing all my blessings, I find myself missing the call.

I keep looking at myself. I have to stop. I must look outside. I will have to remember the embrace of the night, like I used to do. To affirm my life, I must welcome the splendor of solitude.

I will find color in my life again.
I will.

I'm learning how to be a woman every day. I do not yet have all of the answers. I am not great at this performance yet. But I continue to try. I will get better. And who I am already, is enough.

Today I'm learning to accept what I know to be true about myself. I know that I am loved. Is it wrong to want to know why? To understand how?

I'm becoming so vain, you know? I want to know why I cant be loved like others. I am like a statue, or a grotesque on a clock tower. Whether I am lauded or reviled, why must I be unmoving? Why can't I be afforded a dynamism in affection, like those who would praise my abnormalities?

It's just greed, it's vanity. I'm indulging in histrionics and narcissism. I shouldn't care so much. I don't want to be idolized, I don't want celebrity. I want to be hugged the way others are hugged. I want to be spoken to the way others are spoken to.

I have to rid myself of these conceits. That I am loved at all, is enough.
I will pursue my talent such that I can learn to be something greater than my own ego.
I can do it.

Red and Gold, Black and White. I can see the future. I know what I must become, I understand what I must put away.

I'll do it for those that I love. They deserve to have their faith in me rewarded with success.

And so I go. I see a beautiful sunset, emboldened by a haze of golden smog. The greenhouse gasses have given us a slightly view as we approach harsher days.

But I believe in the promise of community. I believe that there will be tomorrow.

As elegiac this entry may feel, I must assure my loved ones, my readers, and my heart. I am not afraid. I am not in danger. I am not in harms way.

I am only writing to affirm a promise to myself. I write to affirm my love.

That is all. I love you.

To my beloveds, and to the admired Indigo, within the rays of the rainbow, thank you for your trust, thank you for your patience.

I will write again soon.


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