11/6/26 - Hang On To Your Ego (IKTAA)

I know so many people who think they can do it alone

I'm a thousand feet away from it. I can see the house on the corner. The leaves have fallen, but I'm so far away. She's not saying anything. She hasn't said anything I can parse, just yet.

I think she's talking to me. I just can't hear her.

Our Lady isn't here to speak with us just yet.

Her words aren't coming to me yet.

It's the liquids and the greens, the water and the wind. I'm inbalanced in all the wrong things. My habits call me to again, it only makes sense.

I had to invent that place. I remember it better than I remembered the real world. Sometimes I think it's good that I can't remember. Maybe I'm just wrong about everything.

I cant help but feel curious about the lives I could have never lived. Languages I've never known.

I see the same motions in everything. I see the same faces in every place. I hear the beat of that anger, that fury. Everyone is the same. It's difficult for some to stomach.

Some people are better at conjuring the sound of it, from their chest. All that I can be was revealed to me through the rituals of the oscillation.

I was privileged to hear from Manal again. It's fortuitous in a manner I can't describe through words, but I couldn't bring myself to emote. I'm reserved in the least necessary of manners. It's always been me.

I think I've come to dislike silence because I don't like what's going on inside of my head. There's a war in there I don't understand. The world invited itself in, and I can't get them out.

I do know it means I'm not fit to be a place of warmth. I think the folks up Woodward can see that I'm not well. I have to find a way to improve my health and my fitness so I don't get cancer. I have a family history, but I'm not supposed to say that.

It's not worth ruminating on.

I'm trying to be a different person entirely. I can't think about the angels anymore. I don't know why I was hanging on like that. I've found a new pen-pal, I'm just waiting to see what they've got to say.

All I can do is wait. I feel weak and sickly today, but I can remember my virtues. I can do that.

But when I turned he was gone.

I think I am whatever I turn out to be. I'm not lesser, I'm just not anything I can think about. Bit of a waste of a woman, I'm thinking. That's all part of it, right?

I've been working 6 day work weeks, two weeks in a row. I spend all the day getting he/him'd. It is what it is, and what it is can be described as "soul crushing."

I don't see anyone. Sometimes, I almost find a conceit that nobody sees me, either.

Something positive, something nice... it's all in other people. It's why I can't be alone. It's easier when I'm surrounded by people. I don't understand how anyone can do it alone.

I know so many people who think they can do it alone

They isolate their heads and stay in their safety zone

Now what can you tell them?

And what can you say that won't make them defensive?

I know there's answer

I know now, but I have to find it by myself

They come on like they're peaceful, but inside, they're so uptight

They trip through the day and waste all their thoughts at night

Now how can I come on

And tell them the way that they live could be better?

That infernal band comes back into my head whenever I get like this. I'm hanging on to my ego, that's for sure.

All this introspection is the enemy of success, of progress. Everything good I've achieved was because I remembered myself, I remembered that I'm worth the hype. Enough of all this I, I, I crap.

I can hear the sound of the meadow again.

I've got it! She has been talking to me. All the colors are beginning to make sense... this is her realm. She speaks through the waves.

It all makes sense.

I know there's an answer!