HK Blog

I started feeling a bit insecure about my appearance today. Something that I guess is par for the course for a lot of people of my demographic. Whether that means transgenders, women, gays, could be any of those. I have to tell you, man... I thought I was doing better. I really did. Today really pulled me back to same feeling. Yesterday was MayDay in Detroit. That, was a very good day, despite what it did to my legs. No two ways about it, 3 miles will hurt my feet regardless, and pushing a wheelchair makes everything hurt. It was a good day, though. I feel good when I feel like I'm participating in something that matters. I think thats a psychological holdover of my upbringing, I come from a Christian family, a protestant family. Maybe it's a bit of a weakness, I dunno. But I felt good commemorating something like May Day. I felt better seeing all the keffiyehs and Palestine flags. Today isn't as good. I saw a good movie today, but it was illuminating in ways that kind of s...

There's a part of me that thinks I was right, about the impression I made. I think I intimidated her a little bit, I think I made myself unwelcome. I don't know what specifically might have done it, or if it was just something on the whole that was jarring about me. But I could feel it was the last time I was gonna see them when I saw them. I think that I bore him. I think that I'm not what he needed to see that day, that I was just in the way. I can't imagine... I can't imagine if he knew. I think it might have been my eye contact. I'm not good at that. I think I unsettle people, and I think that might be part of why. Maybe its because I'm a tranny. I don't know. What I do know, is that there's a sickness going on. It's a pathological nightmare, a poison that's seeping from my mind into every crevice of my being right now. It is a demon, that has possessed my thoughts with an impurity. It felt very sweet at first, like a little passing crush...

That song Lemonade by Gucci Mane is so good. I wish I could live in that beat. I can't imagine feeling like Wop feels, man. That song just gives us a taste of it. I got my teeth cleaned today. I understand why people are afraid of the dentist, but I've never been able to relate to it. I've grown a little accustomed to the discomfort, maybe its a pathological thing. I find, as my gums are being poked and prodded, bleeding and everything, it's easy to sit through if I focus on the pain. I anticipate it, I guess. Not really a challenge if I teach myself to like it. When life gets too difficult, I teach myself to enjoy the more distasteful and bitter stuff, so that I walk through it easier. I can taste the iron flavor on my teeth right now, my mouth is so dry. Sometimes I think, I should be more comfortable with feeling gross. I used to be good at that, but I realized it's kind of a cop-out. Choosing to embrace a feeling of shittiness to mask how insecure I feel about n...

The following is an archival interview from 2022. The author of the blog, Gabriel Gamlin, had the pleasure of interviewing a friend and contemporary, Stalker. At the time of this interview, Stalker was going by a different moniker, Rockin Riley. This interview was written during the rollout and development of the album "the last one." The interview was archived during a refresh of the blog. Thanks for having me. Let's start out with some basics. What are your preferred pronouns, and where are you from? Ok ok so uhm, basic overview of the "artist in question," me, uhhh... Hi, I'm Riley, also known as Rockin' Riley or to some in the more obscure scenes, Riley from the band in purgatory "Soft Core Doors."  I'm from the deepest depths of Alabama, aka Coffee Springs, and my pronouns are she/they/it. Thank you. Did you pick the name Rockin' Riley, or is there some other story behind it? Well, haha, it's sort of a funny story. It started o...

When I was younger, I'd express my frustration with my fingers. I would mangle and tense my fingers so much. It's just about getting that pressure out, the intensity. I don't do that anymore because I ironed it out of my personality. It was a sacrifice I made, to be more personable. I think it was the right decision. Nowadays my fingers ache and stiffen without any help. I crack my knuckles every other second just to manage anxiety. It's been getting worse, because it's spread to my jaw. My jaw, it's become a bit restless. It twitches and stings in the daytime, it rolls and grinds in the night. I was grinding my teeth last night, and I wasn't even asleep yet. My jaw starts to waver and twitch when I'm struggling to manage my frustration. I don't know why I decided to start writing this stuff down. I think it helps, but not in any ways that matter. I think, maybe I'm not giving it enough time, not looking at it from the right angle. I'm a litt...

I've been trying to be better person in my own head. I'm trying to be grateful for the things I have, the blessings bestowed upon me. It was a privilege to spend those hours with my family this holiday. There is so much love; there is so much right about seeing their smiling faces. I didn't want it to end. I think thats part of what's wrong with me. It was a privilege to hear from my beloved today. I learn so much from hearing them talk. From our conversations, I gain clarity about everything. Even in difficult moments I feel comfort in their presence. It's been a rough week, but I wouldn't spend it with anyone else. Except, I do think I've been craving some things I haven't earned, some things that maybe I shouldn't have right now. I feel like I have anxious-attatchment problems, I think thats what the other zoomers are calling it online. There are thinkpieces I could write, but I'd rather not do that. I don't know the inner lives of anyone ...

I've been thinking about Remas and her family more lately. Remas is a friend from Gaza City. She's Palestinian, and has a daughter. She has lost her husband in the war, and has to raise her daughter on her own. Remas is 23. Remas is only one year older than me. Me and Remas check in on each other every other day. Sometimes they message me first, sometimes I message them first. We ask each other about our day, how we are feeling. We are just casual friends online, but I feel at ease when talking to her.  I usually don't have a lot of money, but when I have enough, I make an effort to donate to her. Seeing her happy even just for a second lights up my day. When I don't hear from her, I get worried. Every day I don't hear from her I get worried sick. Sometimes I wonder if she's really on the other end. Like, maybe they found her phone. Maybe the Zionists were onto her. I think, what if the bombings were too close again? What if they didn't make it? Every time t...