HK Blog

Part of me thinks that I did, in fact, ruin it, but he's just too gracious to say that aloud. It is within his right. The delusion has returned with some force, it's more sobered in it's approach but it's lingering, still. I'm starting to think I gotta abandon the midi clip shuffle style I use. GF is doing a lot with mixing and doing live set practice, I think. I have a certain method but I know its not industry standard. It's what I used for Die Geier. I think about when I tried to mix James Brown and failed. Live music is harder to sequence or sync. Thinking about the groove that guy had with his drum machine, it was so classic! I'm glad he was there, he was the coolest part of Space Dive. They pushed my start date back to the 9th. So no money for even longer. Whatever. I'll put to bed my aspirations of being around other people for at least another two weeks. Let me tell you my plan, for my birthday. I didn't want to formal...

I was gonna post a really angry blog post but instead I'll just post this This is me

I've been feeling ungrateful lately.  The active emotion I felt upon waking up today was fear. I'm not going outside as often as I used to. I'm afraid of being seen. I don't want to make other people uncomfortable, and it's a bit of trap, isn't it? Not very becoming of a public  documenter to be agoraphobic, antisocial. Maybe it's the isolation. Self imposed, I might add. My confidence, and well-being these days, is largely influenced by how flush I am at a given moment. Just one responsibility drains it all back to nothing, is the thing. I feel confident to face my friends when I have enough to ensure I can provide for them in a outing. How superficial, how trite! Sometimes I love myself, I can be a little vain, can't I? I was taking my estrogen, and my girlfriend touched their nose to mine, to kiss me while my mouth was unavailable. Very cute. I guess they're why I keep up the search, why I bother trying to stay afloat in the job pool at all. I bel...

I am going to ignore talking about my feelings today so I can write about something else. I've been working on a new project lately, something of a Frankenstein of several different ideas I've had here and there. I've been struck with a period of real creativity as of late. This is harder than I thought it would be. I'm not going to talk about that. I'm gonna change my idea. I'm gonna talk about a specific ideation, and leave everything else alone. I think about how often I've been to Canada. It really is just a quick drive from where I live. I realize, it might be dangerous it give away my location on the internet... but I feel, at this moment, I don't care about that anymore. I think about driving a lot. I think about paying the toll for the Ambassador Bridge. It would be so easy, to just run away. I could get through customs, I've done it before. Not too difficult. I would start in Windsor, just find what roads go North, and I would drive away. I ...

I started feeling a bit insecure about my appearance today. Something that I guess is par for the course for a lot of people of my demographic. Whether that means transgenders, women, gays, could be any of those. I have to tell you, man... I thought I was doing better. I really did. Today really pulled me back to same feeling. Yesterday was MayDay in Detroit. That, was a very good day, despite what it did to my legs. No two ways about it, 3 miles will hurt my feet regardless, and pushing a wheelchair makes everything hurt. It was a good day, though. I feel good when I feel like I'm participating in something that matters. I think thats a psychological holdover of my upbringing, I come from a Christian family, a protestant family. Maybe it's a bit of a weakness, I dunno. But I felt good commemorating something like May Day. I felt better seeing all the keffiyehs and Palestine flags. Today isn't as good. I saw a good movie today, but it was illuminating in ways that kind of s...

There's a part of me that thinks I was right, about the impression I made. I think I intimidated her a little bit, I think I made myself unwelcome. I don't know what specifically might have done it, or if it was just something on the whole that was jarring about me. But I could feel it was the last time I was gonna see them when I saw them. I think that I bore him. I think that I'm not what he needed to see that day, that I was just in the way. I can't imagine... I can't imagine if he knew. I think it might have been my eye contact. I'm not good at that. I think I unsettle people, and I think that might be part of why. Maybe its because I'm a tranny. I don't know. What I do know, is that there's a sickness going on. It's a pathological nightmare, a poison that's seeping from my mind into every crevice of my being right now. It is a demon, that has possessed my thoughts with an impurity. It felt very sweet at first, like a little passing crush...

That song Lemonade by Gucci Mane is so good. I wish I could live in that beat. I can't imagine feeling like Wop feels, man. That song just gives us a taste of it. I got my teeth cleaned today. I understand why people are afraid of the dentist, but I've never been able to relate to it. I've grown a little accustomed to the discomfort, maybe its a pathological thing. I find, as my gums are being poked and prodded, bleeding and everything, it's easy to sit through if I focus on the pain. I anticipate it, I guess. Not really a challenge if I teach myself to like it. When life gets too difficult, I teach myself to enjoy the more distasteful and bitter stuff, so that I walk through it easier. I can taste the iron flavor on my teeth right now, my mouth is so dry. Sometimes I think, I should be more comfortable with feeling gross. I used to be good at that, but I realized it's kind of a cop-out. Choosing to embrace a feeling of shittiness to mask how insecure I feel about n...