HK Blog

Ugh. I'd rather write with a more proper tone, is the thing. I'm just not feeling verbose today. It's only congestion, fatigue, back to back everything on my plate. Not allowed to lay my head down. I'm almost looking forward to this job now. I'm concerned about getting fatty liver, I've been eating quite a bit of junk lately. It's all I can afford. I don't call the shots anymore. No lessons were learned, no knowledge was gleaned. Tommorow comes today. The grass really is greener on their side. At least I know it to be true now. I'm not a good person. I'd kill for some Benihana. I miss having money. Remas hasn't responded to my DM. I'm hoping to God she's okay. I don't like being at home if nobody else is there. This isn't the most interesting post, is it? Let me talk about what I'm working on. Workshopping some concepts for another set of songs, it's a little too ambitious. The idea is rly gestalt, it's just herita...

Part of me thinks that I did, in fact, ruin it, but he's just too gracious to say that aloud. It is within his right. The delusion has returned with some force, it's more sobered in it's approach but it's lingering, still. I'm starting to think I gotta abandon the midi clip shuffle style I use. GF is doing a lot with mixing and doing live set practice, I think. I have a certain method but I know its not industry standard. It's what I used for Die Geier. I think about when I tried to mix James Brown and failed. Live music is harder to sequence or sync. Thinking about the groove that guy had with his drum machine, it was so classic! I'm glad he was there, he was the coolest part of Space Dive. They pushed my start date back to the 9th. So no money for even longer. Whatever. I'll put to bed my aspirations of being around other people for at least another two weeks. Let me tell you my plan, for my birthday. I didn't want to formal...

I was gonna post a really angry blog post but instead I'll just post this This is me

I've been feeling ungrateful lately.  The active emotion I felt upon waking up today was fear. I'm not going outside as often as I used to. I'm afraid of being seen. I don't want to make other people uncomfortable, and it's a bit of trap, isn't it? Not very becoming of a public  documenter to be agoraphobic, antisocial. Maybe it's the isolation. Self imposed, I might add. My confidence, and well-being these days, is largely influenced by how flush I am at a given moment. Just one responsibility drains it all back to nothing, is the thing. I feel confident to face my friends when I have enough to ensure I can provide for them in a outing. How superficial, how trite! Sometimes I love myself, I can be a little vain, can't I? I was taking my estrogen, and my girlfriend touched their nose to mine, to kiss me while my mouth was unavailable. Very cute. I guess they're why I keep up the search, why I bother trying to stay afloat in the job pool at all. I bel...

I am going to ignore talking about my feelings today so I can write about something else. I've been working on a new project lately, something of a Frankenstein of several different ideas I've had here and there. I've been struck with a period of real creativity as of late. This is harder than I thought it would be. I'm not going to talk about that. I'm gonna change my idea. I'm gonna talk about a specific ideation, and leave everything else alone. I think about how often I've been to Canada. It really is just a quick drive from where I live. I realize, it might be dangerous it give away my location on the internet... but I feel, at this moment, I don't care about that anymore. I think about driving a lot. I think about paying the toll for the Ambassador Bridge. It would be so easy, to just run away. I could get through customs, I've done it before. Not too difficult. I would start in Windsor, just find what roads go North, and I would drive away. I ...

I started feeling a bit insecure about my appearance today. Something that I guess is par for the course for a lot of people of my demographic. Whether that means transgenders, women, gays, could be any of those. I have to tell you, man... I thought I was doing better. I really did. Today really pulled me back to same feeling. Yesterday was MayDay in Detroit. That, was a very good day, despite what it did to my legs. No two ways about it, 3 miles will hurt my feet regardless, and pushing a wheelchair makes everything hurt. It was a good day, though. I feel good when I feel like I'm participating in something that matters. I think thats a psychological holdover of my upbringing, I come from a Christian family, a protestant family. Maybe it's a bit of a weakness, I dunno. But I felt good commemorating something like May Day. I felt better seeing all the keffiyehs and Palestine flags. Today isn't as good. I saw a good movie today, but it was illuminating in ways that kind of s...

There's a part of me that thinks I was right, about the impression I made. I think I intimidated her a little bit, I think I made myself unwelcome. I don't know what specifically might have done it, or if it was just something on the whole that was jarring about me. But I could feel it was the last time I was gonna see them when I saw them. I think that I bore him. I think that I'm not what he needed to see that day, that I was just in the way. I can't imagine... I can't imagine if he knew. I think it might have been my eye contact. I'm not good at that. I think I unsettle people, and I think that might be part of why. Maybe its because I'm a tranny. I don't know. What I do know, is that there's a sickness going on. It's a pathological nightmare, a poison that's seeping from my mind into every crevice of my being right now. It is a demon, that has possessed my thoughts with an impurity. It felt very sweet at first, like a little passing crush...