HK Blog

I'll tell you what toppled the facade. I lost my most cherished possessions. I lost my baseball jacket and my Palestine necklace. I was sitting down at work thinking, "I think I will be taking my own life sometime this week."  I hope this feeling can pass. I hope I won't want to do it by tommorow. Those little items, they aren't what started it. That was just the right little thing to break the seal for me, I guess. Yesterday I let one of the boys get $40 on Cashapp from me as a gift. He keeps saying he'll pay me back, but I don't care. I don't care. Jamal is a knucklehead, he can use that on fanduel like I know he wanted to. Straight dudes are funny when you treat them like lab mice. When I gave him that money, that's how I knew it was getting worse. I'm always generous, but I've been reckless with my hand lately. I don't value myself anymore. Anyone can get what they want. I don't believe a person with a mind like this has any bus...

Just an advisory, I guess. This one is a little exhausting. If you're a fan of my ruminations, by all means, keep reading, but I'm not proud of this entry. It's all just me and my whining. Boring, if you ask me. Let me start with the good works. With smiles from Gaza. That which fills my heart... Remas and Manal, they are both still alive. Remas has found a solution to her problem, and she has a new campaign. God is good. God is good. Everything is good. Ibrahim is alive, he sent me a video. His neighborhood is nothing but rubble. But he was smiling. He believes in tommorow. Zahr is alive, but her life is difficult. She looks after her husband. She is having to learn so much, in order to save her world. These people, you know... they are the emotional bedrock from which I stake my strength, in this day and age. I am not a superhero, I am not Mr. Schindler. I am just trying to do the best I can. Ibrahim is one I do not text super frequently, as much as he provides me with up...

I'm doing my eyeliner a bit different now because of that psychological insecurity I developed about my eyes. I go along the outside, I keep the tears and inner lids naked. I feel absolutely awful today, but I'm... fine. I'm okay. Nothing bad happening, just regular work. First day since my favorite coworker got moved, I have nobody to talk to anymore. Nobody who really understands what I'm talking about half the time. I can feel anger and distress radiate throughout my body as I sit down in the locker room. I had trouble putting on my eyeliner today because I couldn't stop crying. I was eventually able to do an okay look. Had some lip gloss and everything, whatever. It doesn't even make sense that I feel this bad. Good things happening, great things are coming. There's only one place I could go to make this go away. I do have my passport, I could go to Windsor again. That helped a lot last time. It did so much for me last time. I was still letting them talk...

Few days back a friend in Palestine showed me a receipt of a man asking her to send nudes for donations. There is a feminist, principled way to talk about this. That's not authentic to the feeling... I'm just gonna say what I'm thinking. Some people need to fucking die. Men like that are the scum of the fucking earth. Today I woke up from a dream where one of the guys that plays basketball at work was listening to me describe the pancakes they sell at the Disney World restaurants, and then he tried to fuck me. And I woke up before we actually started fucking, but after we kissed(?). I'm hoping that dream doesn't mean anything other than the basic fact that I like dudes, that much I already know. I don't like this guy nearly enough to warrant all of that. I had a bad cold that prevented me from going to Samhain XXV. What a bummer. But I went out to get food with my friend, and I left my wallet at home. We were in Dearborn and the biggest rat ran across the street...

Wave of depression overtook my mood while I was stacking chairs in the gym at work. Ace said he'll get me some fries from the Coney, he's a cool dude. I got cold feet again. I didn't talk to her. Inferiority started to overtake my initial upswing. I thought that maybe I would be wasting her time. She does really impressive stuff, higher profile work. She's a titan, and I just don't think I have any business trying to subtly ask out somebody who lives in another state, even if it's drivable. I'd just be wasting her time, that's what the prions are telling me right now. It's not because I don't think I'm interesting, no, it's not that. It's that I'm kind of poor and live with my parents, even though my sis and I are supposed to move out in November. I make $32k, and I'm below budget right now, rationing until payday on Friday. I'm not in a place financially or in my residence where I have any business trying to strike up any...

I have a tendency to be overly saccharine in my entries, a little too wrapped up in my own emotions. But I decided I'm not gonna stop doing that. I love it. I need to update you guys. I am still single, me and Birria Girl aren't a thing. We decided it'd be better to just stick together as friends and not make things complicated. I already mentioned this in an earlier post, I just wanted to clarify. Because I'm a twisted little bitch and I'm indulging too much in my crushes. The sickness is back, Adrielle fans. This time about a mutual, on Instagram... how embarrassing. Not very mature or realistic of me to think like that at all, but fuck, I'm exhausted of being so austere and responsible irl. Had a lot of boundaries that were pushed really hard in the last week and a half and honestly I'm open to anything, literally anything, absolutely anything. If she doesn't like me, that's fine, its whatever. I noticed she stopped liking my posts and stuff when ...

We're just friends. I think it is much better to be friends. We've talked a little, and I can see clearly now. It wouldn't work out, with her. I can't be with someone who doesn't understand my identity. I'm not an enigma, I'm a tin of oysters. I can be friends with someone who doesn't understand everything about me, but I will not give my heart to that disparity. And to understand isn't enough, either. Respect is in order. She's a good friend, and that is all. The impermanence starts to get to me, though. I have a thousand people on my mind, every day. I want so dearly to remember their faces, to never forget. I try to focus on the professional relationships, the familial relationships, platonic relationships. I've got to. You know how painful it is to want somebody, somebody so far outside tommorow. Somebody where I convince myself, I could never. I could never.