HK Blog

And it ain't no use in turning on your light, babe That light I never knowed And it ain't no use in turning on your light, babe I'm on the dark side of the road But I wish there was somethin' you would do or say To try and make me change my mind and stay But we never did too much talking anyway But don't think twice, it's all right Slow progress on the projects right now. My uncertain health has made it difficult to rest my head in a spot that feels comfortable. I can't think about the tender things while my room is so dirty, y'know. I can't help but think... it's okay that it's ending. It's okay that it's too late. I've done my best. I'm gonna live to be a hundred years old, all through trying my best. I can't wait to see fifty, that much I'm sure of. It's going to be a painful world we'll see. The times approaching are unsightly. I'm ready for it. No matter what happens. I cant wait to grow old. I can...

Yeah, there's a horse on my back And I may be stomped flat But my loneliness is gone All my loneliness is gone There's a horse on my back Gives me all that I need I've experienced an emotional and psychological breakdown. The last week saw a period of crying spells, delirium, chronic pain, hallucinations, mania, and psychosis. None of this is exaggerated. All because I hate my job, I hate my home life, and I hate the world I am living in. It was so bad last week that I believed that aliens were real, and that I was an alien and everybody knew but me, and everybody saw a fucked up alien face and body but I couldn't see it cause of space illusion magic, and that if I was alone the other Crystal Gem Steven Universe Aliens were gonna come kill me. All because somebody made an (admittedly well made/clever) analogue horror creepy pasta thing about a children's cartoon that I, in fact, loved as a kid. I developed this 2-3 day psychosis that I'm still coming down from b...

It's not fun music. Not that I don't like that stuff, y'know. It's worthy music, worthy effort. It's just not what I want. I want something else. The problem is that ideas are given to me by the air. I can't help but recieve it. I just feel like we've done enough of that for now. There's no way to express that without sounding like a snob, like a dickhead. But I don't care anymore. Kick, Snare, Kick, Snare, Oscillator, Sidechain, Groggy Voice. I love it too much. I want to be less affected by it. I've been doing too many mental push-ups for that discipline that I don't like it anymore. The real stars of my generation can handle that world. They've got it good. They're the genuises we needed for that world. I mean that, really. I think, like Pinkpantheress or Underscores for example, they're genuises. I guess I would like to try and know if we've got it in us to be about some other stuff. I want to create a different kind of fe...

I'm not feeling very good at all. And I dunno if I like anybody today. That's all.

Im anxious. I know she's not gonna be there today, but I'm just itching to see her there, right? I'm doing a good thing otherwise, y'know. Avenue of fashion, two days in a row. Ive got the tone for this project. Ive got the guitar! It's all coming together on As If I Was Essential pivot in the Hepburn story, I'm thinking. I'm becoming something of a rockist, I'm fearing. And yet I'm not looking to stop it, cause look at my heroes. Look at what the millennials are doing. They don't wanna do the vapid shtick, I don't want to, either. The folks in my generation I'm listening to aren't doing that soulless racket. I don't want any part in it. This moment is just too pinching on the nerves to be looking at nothing, y'know. Executive dysfunction is insane.

Ive got some new small things to carry with me that are making it easier. At least I think that's true. Rough week. I'm much stronger than I've ever been, but that doesn't make it easy. It makes it imperative, in a manner I didn't have in school, right. I was feeling demeaned during field day at work. But then I remembered how the other ladies felt. They didn't have anything to do for the same reason. Phil doesn't like me, but its not for a good reason. Its because he can tell im a different sort of person. He just can't figure what kind, exactly. I've had a wonderful night. Ive taken time to see a newer friend. Time for bed.

I made a difficult decision yesterday. I let go of my ego, and I let go of my illusions. My attatchments to those things I was hoping for. I think maybe that was the missing chemical, now that I'm thinking about it. I let myself feel less. I'm not thinking as much. I'm not caring as much. I'm letting myself waste away a little bit. I don't know if I like it or not. I think maybe it just needed to happen. I dont have it in me to believe right now. It's getting so hard to believe ill ever see the sky, y'know. I think the cynics are right. The bitter poison was always the necessary taste. I'll never question that again. I'm not going to think about her anymore. I don't need to think about Peter or Archimedes, either. They're all people doing something else I'm not meant to be part of. They never cared that much. It's immaterial. I have to get it out of my head, its my job. It's not worth caring about.