HK Blog

My journey has brought me to an understanding Of the divine forces which we have all been bestowed It was in this search that I came upon a revelation Which has called me to guide millions of people towards their righteous destiny I bet I'll miss the apocalypse as consequence for forgetting to buy a ticket. Found out Persephone is gonna be in town when I'm elsewhere, and my nerve center's up the creek with that pollution all over again. This album is gonna suck ass. As I get it together, I can smell something on it indicative of my constitution at this moment. It sounds like the lady putting it together, ugh... So be it, so be it. I mope a little too much, don't I? My coworkers would never know I'm a chronic extrovert. I'm in a conjunctive malaise with Galahad. It's all coming together, but it doesn't look like the last picture. It's like grease, it's gristle. It's not the vegetative growth I was working through on the first act. It's com...

I'm eager to fall in love with her

And it ain't no use in turning on your light, babe That light I never knowed And it ain't no use in turning on your light, babe I'm on the dark side of the road But I wish there was somethin' you would do or say To try and make me change my mind and stay But we never did too much talking anyway But don't think twice, it's all right Slow progress on the projects right now. My uncertain health has made it difficult to rest my head in a spot that feels comfortable. I can't think about the tender things while my room is so dirty, y'know. I can't help but think... it's okay that it's ending. It's okay that it's too late. I've done my best. I'm gonna live to be a hundred years old, all through trying my best. I can't wait to see fifty, that much I'm sure of. It's going to be a painful world we'll see. The times approaching are unsightly. I'm ready for it. No matter what happens. I cant wait to grow old. I can...

Yeah, there's a horse on my back And I may be stomped flat But my loneliness is gone All my loneliness is gone There's a horse on my back Gives me all that I need I've experienced an emotional and psychological breakdown. The last week saw a period of crying spells, delirium, chronic pain, hallucinations, mania, and psychosis. None of this is exaggerated. All because I hate my job, I hate my home life, and I hate the world I am living in. It was so bad last week that I believed that aliens were real, and that I was an alien and everybody knew but me, and everybody saw a fucked up alien face and body but I couldn't see it cause of space illusion magic, and that if I was alone the other Crystal Gem Steven Universe Aliens were gonna come kill me. All because somebody made an (admittedly well made/clever) analogue horror creepy pasta thing about a children's cartoon that I, in fact, loved as a kid. I developed this 2-3 day psychosis that I'm still coming down from b...

It's not fun music. Not that I don't like that stuff, y'know. It's worthy music, worthy effort. It's just not what I want. I want something else. The problem is that ideas are given to me by the air. I can't help but recieve it. I just feel like we've done enough of that for now. There's no way to express that without sounding like a snob, like a dickhead. But I don't care anymore. Kick, Snare, Kick, Snare, Oscillator, Sidechain, Groggy Voice. I love it too much. I want to be less affected by it. I've been doing too many mental push-ups for that discipline that I don't like it anymore. The real stars of my generation can handle that world. They've got it good. They're the genuises we needed for that world. I mean that, really. I think, like Pinkpantheress or Underscores for example, they're genuises. I guess I would like to try and know if we've got it in us to be about some other stuff. I want to create a different kind of fe...

I'm not feeling very good at all. And I dunno if I like anybody today. That's all.

Im anxious. I know she's not gonna be there today, but I'm just itching to see her there, right? I'm doing a good thing otherwise, y'know. Avenue of fashion, two days in a row. Ive got the tone for this project. Ive got the guitar! It's all coming together on As If I Was Essential pivot in the Hepburn story, I'm thinking. I'm becoming something of a rockist, I'm fearing. And yet I'm not looking to stop it, cause look at my heroes. Look at what the millennials are doing. They don't wanna do the vapid shtick, I don't want to, either. The folks in my generation I'm listening to aren't doing that soulless racket. I don't want any part in it. This moment is just too pinching on the nerves to be looking at nothing, y'know. Executive dysfunction is insane.

Ive got some new small things to carry with me that are making it easier. At least I think that's true. Rough week. I'm much stronger than I've ever been, but that doesn't make it easy. It makes it imperative, in a manner I didn't have in school, right. I was feeling demeaned during field day at work. But then I remembered how the other ladies felt. They didn't have anything to do for the same reason. Phil doesn't like me, but its not for a good reason. Its because he can tell im a different sort of person. He just can't figure what kind, exactly. I've had a wonderful night. Ive taken time to see a newer friend. Time for bed.

I made a difficult decision yesterday. I let go of my ego, and I let go of my illusions. My attatchments to those things I was hoping for. I think maybe that was the missing chemical, now that I'm thinking about it. I let myself feel less. I'm not thinking as much. I'm not caring as much. I'm letting myself waste away a little bit. I don't know if I like it or not. I think maybe it just needed to happen. I dont have it in me to believe right now. It's getting so hard to believe ill ever see the sky, y'know. I think the cynics are right. The bitter poison was always the necessary taste. I'll never question that again. I'm not going to think about her anymore. I don't need to think about Peter or Archimedes, either. They're all people doing something else I'm not meant to be part of. They never cared that much. It's immaterial. I have to get it out of my head, its my job. It's not worth caring about.

Work is steadily progressing on the next album. I'm unsure of what to call it. My sister gifted me a 45 of Pin-Ups from Bowie, and unfortunately I've found myself in the same visual headspace I was trying to get away from. I guess my mind likes what it likes. I want this album to smell a little bit. It should have a sort of post-coital glow. After finishing ACT 1 of Galahad , my mind now has the creative headroom necessary to continue work on the songs. I thought it would be difficult and strenuous, but I was able to fix the issues I was having with Ableton, right? I actually upgraded to Live 12 standard, so I shouldn't be as inhibited anymore. The rule of this album is to use no more than 5 layers. The reason why is because I want a cleaner mix, less muddy. I don't want to rely on lush complications to hide any sort of flaws. I've been listening to too much of the Naked mixes of the last Beatles album, Let It Be.   I was particularly intrigued by George's voice...

She is everything to me, in a manner I don't know if I can stomach. I keep hoping that next time I see her, my thoughts about her will lessen and lessen, that I'll be able to understand her as just another friend, just another smiling comrade. But she's so much more than that, and it hurts me to know this feeling will never go away. I feel less and less certain about how she feels inside with each passing meeting. I feel shame building more and more with each encounter, a pestilence of love making me sicker and sicker every time I see her eyes. The more I try to understand her, the less I feel like I actually do. I work my life out tearing apart these pictures I have of her in my mind, so I may try to understand only what she allows me to. I don't want to gainsay her love or mess around with feelings she's never had. I want to know if she loves me, and I just don't have an answer. If the answer is no, then it will be easy. I could walk away with my head intact, ...

The attention of beautiful women has completely immobilized me. I can't say I'm angry about it.

I slept well last night. I managed to chat with my twin before leaving for work. I was disappointed at work. It's all so logical. I remember Gatter telling me all about how she's been enjoying songs that employ dissonance. Good stuff, but I'm in a bit of delirium. I can't stomach the feeling of it right now. I want a bit of that, but I need to prove to myself I'm human first. It's about knowing I don't need the papers. I'm listening to Nico's debut. Chelsea Girls , y'know. That's where voice can take you. The real communicative feeling can take you that way. There's really no music in it, it's interesting. It's incredible music anyway. Where do you put your eyes? Where is, I dunno, sensible? I'm not interested in grammatical sense at the moment. I've gotta know the haptics of what you've got going on, here. I was texting her a bit. Felt like there was a million pounds on my chest. I want to know what she really wants. ...

How many times can you listen to your favorite songs before you get tired of them? Really think about it. It may be impossible to figure, cause you first gotta know how much you love that song to then understand how much of it you can take.  A really good one sticks with you. Enough where you wouldn't want to get sick of it. People are potent, y'know. More than songs, more than music. It's not surprising that every endeavor I seem to make in this adult life is motivated by that same sort of tripe, y'know? It's gotta be good enough for her. What a vain thing to admit... but we deal in truths, here. I do a lot of epithets and prose, but I try my hardest to not give into ego and illusion. Never been a good liar. I gotta find some way to focus on something else. Anything else. Speaking of broken records, the Abbey Road vinyl I got is in terrible condition. I Want You/She's So Heavy is unplayable, the best song on the album! Fitting. Everyone I speak to in the city ...

After I get fired, I'm gonna head to Erie Beach. It'll be empty.

By the grace of God nothing happened. Chicago is okay. I happened to visit right when none of my Chicago ppl were in Chicago. Fml

I want her so bad it's not even funny. I need to be put down like a dog. I got a show tonight and I'm thinking "God she's so pretty and smart and funny and cool" I need to be shot

Everything is going to be okay

I think I've found my least favorite track from the fab four. Whatever. It's so procedural, y'know, it's stuff like that where I kind of understand why they used to rag on Paul so much. Tripe. It's so sickly, it possesses me to think of the worst sort of bliss that life would muster. I'm dissappointing her. I'm dissappointing her by revealing myself, I guess. I'm not the sort of person to hide and betray the hopes of my peers. I must be honest in elucidating just how thorough this depression has robbed me of an ability to want. Just as well, I've a strong inclination towards suicide. Bit of a laugh, maybe. It's only offset by the events I've got lined up. After the Chicago trip, there's nothing to look forward to. I have to stay busy. I have to find something. Anything. I have to distract myself from the feeling of it. I don't have that in the moment, save for my wishes to finish the manuscript. If I'm not able to distract myself....

Today I don't believe in anything and I want to die, but none of that matters. I am trying to do good things anyways. I somehow have to find a way to be optimistic, despite how murky the waters may seem. The transfer to Manal was unsuccessful. The money was refunded by PayPal for whatever reason, and she's not getting my messages. This family reunion planning debacle... whatever. Ibrahim sent me those videos, you know... he says his daughter has Smallpox. I'm a bit beside myself, you know. I thought that surely he must have meant "chickenpox." Smallpox was eradicated, as far as I know... but I can't put it past this world to inflict that sort of suffering.  I just have to pray that things get better. I don't believe in anything today. But I will be optimistic, not for my own sake. I have to believe in a better future for them. I was talking to Cronkite irl recently, I tried my best to elucidate on the concepts behind Galahad, but I could feel myself minimi...