HK Blog

The attention of beautiful women has completely immobilized me. I can't say I'm angry about it.

I slept well last night. I managed to chat with my twin before leaving for work. I was disappointed at work. It's all so logical. I remember Gatter telling me all about how she's been enjoying songs that employ dissonance. Good stuff, but I'm in a bit of delirium. I can't stomach the feeling of it right now. I want a bit of that, but I need to prove to myself I'm human first. It's about knowing I don't need the papers. I'm listening to Nico's debut. Chelsea Girls , y'know. That's where voice can take you. The real communicative feeling can take you that way. There's really no music in it, it's interesting. It's incredible music anyway. Where do you put your eyes? Where is, I dunno, sensible? I'm not interested in grammatical sense at the moment. I've gotta know the haptics of what you've got going on, here. I was texting her a bit. Felt like there was a million pounds on my chest. I want to know what she really wants. ...

How many times can you listen to your favorite songs before you get tired of them? Really think about it. It may be impossible to figure, cause you first gotta know how much you love that song to then understand how much of it you can take.  A really good one sticks with you. Enough where you wouldn't want to get sick of it. People are potent, y'know. More than songs, more than music. It's not surprising that every endeavor I seem to make in this adult life is motivated by that same sort of tripe, y'know? It's gotta be good enough for her. What a vain thing to admit... but we deal in truths, here. I do a lot of epithets and prose, but I try my hardest to not give into ego and illusion. Never been a good liar. I gotta find some way to focus on something else. Anything else. Speaking of broken records, the Abbey Road vinyl I got is in terrible condition. I Want You/She's So Heavy is unplayable, the best song on the album! Fitting. Everyone I speak to in the city ...

After I get fired, I'm gonna head to Erie Beach. It'll be empty.

By the grace of God nothing happened. Chicago is okay. I happened to visit right when none of my Chicago ppl were in Chicago. Fml

I want her so bad it's not even funny. I need to be put down like a dog. I got a show tonight and I'm thinking "God she's so pretty and smart and funny and cool" I need to be shot

Everything is going to be okay

I think I've found my least favorite track from the fab four. Whatever. It's so procedural, y'know, it's stuff like that where I kind of understand why they used to rag on Paul so much. Tripe. It's so sickly, it possesses me to think of the worst sort of bliss that life would muster. I'm dissappointing her. I'm dissappointing her by revealing myself, I guess. I'm not the sort of person to hide and betray the hopes of my peers. I must be honest in elucidating just how thorough this depression has robbed me of an ability to want. Just as well, I've a strong inclination towards suicide. Bit of a laugh, maybe. It's only offset by the events I've got lined up. After the Chicago trip, there's nothing to look forward to. I have to stay busy. I have to find something. Anything. I have to distract myself from the feeling of it. I don't have that in the moment, save for my wishes to finish the manuscript. If I'm not able to distract myself....

Today I don't believe in anything and I want to die, but none of that matters. I am trying to do good things anyways. I somehow have to find a way to be optimistic, despite how murky the waters may seem. The transfer to Manal was unsuccessful. The money was refunded by PayPal for whatever reason, and she's not getting my messages. This family reunion planning debacle... whatever. Ibrahim sent me those videos, you know... he says his daughter has Smallpox. I'm a bit beside myself, you know. I thought that surely he must have meant "chickenpox." Smallpox was eradicated, as far as I know... but I can't put it past this world to inflict that sort of suffering.  I just have to pray that things get better. I don't believe in anything today. But I will be optimistic, not for my own sake. I have to believe in a better future for them. I was talking to Cronkite irl recently, I tried my best to elucidate on the concepts behind Galahad, but I could feel myself minimi...

Right now, with the plates I've got spinning, I'm just hoping the ground doesn't shake too soon, right? I've got this promotion I'm waiting on, I've got to stay tidy for the new cat, I'm checking on my girls in Gaza, I've got my friends in the orgs and my friends in Ferndale, I've got to manage finances on a shitty salary, and I've got to keep going with my music and my art. Sometimes I miss something else, but it only makes sense, y'know. I guess sometimes I forget I'm only human, since I try to go above and beyond what I'm afforded through creature comforts and subsistence, right? The lady at No.1 Chinese Food seems to recognize me now, it's nice to see a smile. I like being a regular at my favorite places, I'm a real sucker for community connection.

I've a notion of social selectivity. I'm much pickier, now. I will not be inviting any more guests or characters into my home. I'm pulling up the drawbridge, in a manner of speaking. I am not unhappy, and I am not angry. I am disappointed. Big difference. This is a trying season. It is the most expensive season. It is the most bothersome and cruel. I find that peers care very little for the circumstances of those less fortunate in the summer months. It is, truly, a season where the fool has their day. I do not need anything like that in my presence, not right now. I will not afford the enemy an inch. Isolationism. A tad fascistic, I must admit. I'll let them imagine. Just a little bit. I think that I'll allow myself the company of those I've already accepted into the court of my heart. But I cannot do with the shocks and surprises. I can hear you in there, laugh it up. I'm well aware. It's not about certainties, it's about temperament. Tolerances, an...

Its another broken record entry. You can skip if it's not fun anymore. ------- How would you talk about it? This is painful, at this point. I almost want to filibuster my own deposition a bit, you know... like, what is so tertiary in my life? I need something that I could bluff with, right? I almost don't want to say anything about it. Because I'm so blessed, it seems disgusting to care so much. I should find a way to forget about it. I am grateful for the love I have fostered in my life. I am grateful for tenderness, and touch. But for whatever reason... I'm not able to walk above this sort of feeling, right? I have lost the ability to think about anything else. I'm getting distracted, again. I will be an adult and do nothing about any of it. That was a joke, for our true believers out there. Im eating less to flagellate myself for remembering that feeling, of looking into her eyes. Not good, not good at all. In my works, I emphasize contrasts in color. I always wa...

I want to stop loving her. This can't good for my mental health anymore. It's just a matter of psychologically malajusted limerence. It will pass if I allow it to. Maybe I shouldn't have agreed to the conference. Maybe I shouldn't have allowed myself the pleasure of her company, the warmth of her conversation. Maybe it's just my imagination running away with me. I just want her to say no. I want her to tell me to go away, to give it up. It's too much. This uncertainty is too much. I want to remember her in my every waking moment. I want to never think about her again. This is unnatural and emotionally perverse. I want to stop asking her about her day. I want stop itching for that knowing. I want to be incurious about her feelings, her life, and her worries. I can't stand knowing it. I've allowed myself to be infatuated again. I have been blessed to have a gaggle of friends who love me quite enough. I'm not by any stretch starved of touch or affection...

It's here again. It feels exactly the same. I know I have to leave this one. It will be easier to find another place this time. I know, I know, I know. It's just another day. It's just another day. I'm used to these. I know what to do with these. I know how to live with these. It doesn't get easy, but it's not becoming harder. It's feels exactly the same. I know I have to feel this one. It will be better when I let myself feel it all the same. I know, I know, I know. I can't watch anything. I can't read. I can't relax. I can't create. I can't make any of it happen myself. I need my friends more than ever when it gets like this. I know, I know, I know. I know, I know, I know. It's not easier, it's just familiar. It's adjustable. I know, I know, I know. I was wrong. It is easier. It is easier when I read. There is work and non-work, Gods and Titans. In my works and days, I see a history so much clearer. I'm still so small, ...

I had a walk around the track at work with my songs in my ears, to soothe the nerves a little. I found myself caught up in negative ruminations about all of my blessings. I find myself doing that a lot, y'know. It was a lot of wincing about what ifs, measuring collateral from warm regards and kinship. I was thinking, am I bad for them? Am I spending too much time with them? I'm over-thinking it again. [Lydia] wants to try another date, I don't know what day to give her for it, since I'm not in a state of mind to look ahead too much. I do love her, but I'm maybe too screwed up right to live up to some of her expectations, is what I'm ideating. I've got stuff booked that I'm beginning to worry about.  She's among the most pleasant to be around in my day-to-day, but I am worried about falling into something I'm not equipped to handle. I am terrified of dissappointing her, and I'm not sure why this is. It's largely because of the (sorta) dete...

All I can do is wait it out. It won't go away with any sort of sentimental salves. There's not a good medicine for it, none that wouldn't thwart me in my pursuits toward stability. Well, there's so many sinking now You gotta keep thinking You can make it through these waves Acid, booze, and ass Needles, guns, and grass Lots of laughs... I haven't heard from Manal in some days. Every time I happens it feels like the first time. I can't ever get used to it. I do love my friends. I love them dearly. I just don't think I can love them the right way. It's not anything I can put into words, beyond stating that I like where we are. But I know they don't. I don't want to hurt them. I want to spend every day with them. But I can't give up, not on this. I've come so far... what am I so worried about? So many dreams realized, so many aspirations achieved. And I'm looking down the slope of the hill, and pit forms in my stomach. Everybody's sa...

It would be easier to tell you the number of seconds and hours I didn't have her image in my head. She's everywhere, she's electricity, huh? Static, she sits on every surface I touch. She's hair, she's glucose, she's nitrogen. I'm being blinded by a fanciful catastrophe of romantic intrigue. It's sickening, isn't it? How do you loosen the grip? My knuckles are white and red. How tight I'm hanging on, you'd think I slept amongst lions. A Between The Lions reference in 2026? Yes! Take it home with you, make friends with it. Her eyes have a way of immobilizing me. I think she almost means to peer into the orrery of my mind, if only to better entice herself towards whatever idea she has of me in her heart. I've tried everything to underwhelm and dissapoint her, to tarry her vigilance, and nothing works. Hard to ignore her providence when she stands above me, y'know?  I love her, still. This is the worst. She's such an angel, what a si...

It's such a phyrric kind of victory to have certainty towards danger. I know exactly what I'm afraid of, with her. And I want to know everything about her, that's my issue. I find myself hoping I don't hit the wrong notes, but oh, "pink triangle on her sleeve," let me know the truth, let me know the truth. I've been a bit licentious, and greedy. I've been at peace with the uncertainties of my life because I've found tender and sensual friendships unknowable to the reasonable sensibility of my upbringing. I make my own morals with who I bite, it seems like. And yet I can't stop myself from thinking about her. I just... So frustrating, isn't it? I'm too busy to allow myself to feel what I'm feeling about this divination in the form of a lady. She's a omen of what is inside, a card called the future. Scary stuff, huh? I've been putting off my writings and podcastings. I don't feel like waxing about it yet, y'know? I had...

IT HAS BEEN FAR TOO LONG I got sick twice and had to help my twin buy a new car. Oh, good heavens, two speeches in the cold! Two! And a march! The company of some dear friends could never be anything less than essential to soothing the nerves, right? I fear I was a bit too indulgent for a moment, is the thing. I don't regret anything as much I sort of just wonder if I was maybe... too licentious, in some respects. Oh, piss. Forget that. Two ladies! They like it! And I'm the oooonly me There was a different date with a hinge person that set me aside somewhat, right? They gave me the second cold, the first was from laying about. I must say that I'm not too fond of suicidal ideations. I'd wish better for them, but alas, I'd also wish better for me. We combined Ice Melter and Unseen into a bigger, better song. And with that development, Hepburn is closer to being as undeniable as I'd like it. Some new ads for Remas, and I've got almost a hundred in balance I...

Im finding that this city is starting to become a bit desperate... and it's also a bit too protestant. I've recently been offered an RCS position, piecemeal. It's only lucky they finally remember that I'm an adult, I guess. I'm necessary enough to be ignored, feels like. I do in fact think I'm better than this department, and that I deserve better than this. It is not my fault that this country seems to be choosing cynicism and selfishness over the promise of community. I love Detroit, but I do not like how Midwestern it is. Maybe the worst thing about Midwesterners is that most of them are all ideologically protestant, regardless whether they vote red or blue. They are averse to uncertainty and sociability. Maybe it was a curse to raise me in a multicultural enviroment, because when I'm denied the opportunity to see more interesting faces and personalities, when I'm placed into homogenous enviroments... it's grating, to me. Every single person is un...